Diary of the Dark Lord
by Bellatrix567
Summary: Voldemort's diary, as is said in the not-so-original title.


**I do not own any of the Harry Potter stuff. I think most people already know this by now, because it doesn't say Amber or Bellatrix567 on the Harry Potter books, but you know...**

**I also do not own (and have not read) Charlie Bone, Candy Land, Scrabble, Monopoly, or Google.  
**

**Quirinus is Quirrell's first name, I thought Voldemort should call him that.  
**

**I had all these fancy fonts - Quirrell wrote in cursive, Voldemort's handwriting was almost illegible, I even had a special font for the Google people. Unfortunately this site doesn't have fonts.  
**

**Quirrell comments occasionally in bold print. I know it's weird that he writes down what he says in the diary (Voldemort thinks so too) but I can't think of another way to get his dialog down, because he comments while writing Voldemort's thoughts.  
**

Saturday, September 8, 1991

Dear Diary,

School starts tomorrow! Finally, I can kill Harry Potter... after I get a body, of course. I'm still upset that Quirinus didn't steal the Sorcerer's Stone from Gringotts, but he's said sorry about twenty times a day now, so I finally had to forgive him. Still... there's a lot more I'd like to say about Quirinus, but that's private, and he's writing down what I dictate. Hey... maybe I could hold the quill in my mouth... I'll have to try that later.

Love from,

Voldemort

Sunday, September 9, 1991

Dear Diary,

The students arrived today. Jeez, they're annoying. I'm not looking forward to having to sit under Quirinus' turban all day while he teaches.

Love from,

Voldemort

Monday, September 10, 1991

Why did I ever want to be a teacher!? This was the worst day of my life! Oh well, I guess I'd better get used to it. And I should tell Quirinus to wash his turban.

Love from,

Voldemort

Tuesday, September 11, 1991

Second most boring day of my life. Quirinus still hasn't washed the turban.

Love from,

Voldemort

Wednesday, September 12, 1991

I sneezed today while Quirinus was talking to Professor McGonagall. It hurt! Don't laugh, Quirinus, have you ever sneezed out of a nose this flat? And Professor McGonagall got all suspicious and Quirinus said he had to go to the restroom to escape. Idiot. WASH YOUR TURBAN TODAY OR SUFFER FOR IT!

Love from,

Voldemort

Thursday, September 13, 1991

Finally, Quirinus washed the stupid turban. I am grateful.

Love from,

Voldemort

Friday, September 14, 1991

Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored.

Love from,

Voldemort

Saturday, September 15, 1991

Quirinus says he's too busy to write any more diary entries for a while. I said he had better write them or else.

Love from,

Voldemort

**P. S. But, my Lord, if that's all you had to say, what was the point...?**

The point is that you waste your time doing my bidding, fool! Now stop asking questions! And don't write this in my diary!

**Ok then, I'll erase it.**

You're using a quill, how can you erase?

…

Okay fine, leave it there, what do I care?

Monday, September 16, 1991

Quirinus and I played Candy Land for three hours straight tonight. We stayed up until five.

Love from,

Voldemort

Tuesday, October 6, 1991

I just asked Quirinus to read my diary aloud to me, and I realized he's been dating every entry and worst of all, signing everything "Love from Voldemort". He will regret that!

**I will?**

Yes, you will! Stop signing 'Love from Voldemort!' I mean, I can't even love! Sign it 'the Dark Lord'

Love from,

the Dark Lord

P. S. How dare you use my name!

Wednesday, October 9, 1991

I haven't made Quirinus write in this for a long time, because he has "work". Since when has he actually graded a paper?**Since yesterday.** No, you always students do it when they get detention!**I just did that once!** Sure you did.** No, really!** Right. Anyway, the first Quidditch match of the season is in a few days (Slytherin against Gryffindor). Slytherin had better win, or else...

**I'm scared.**

Quirinus...

**Um... yeah! I'm scared! Watch! (screams) Oh, dammit, now Filch is coming.**

Put the turban on!

_(A few minutes later)_

Fool, if you do that again, I'll...

Wait, you're not writing down our dialog again, are you? I mean, what's the point?

**I like doing it, okay? It keeps a record of what we've said.**

But who cares what we've said? And don't contradict me, Quirinus!

Love from,

the Dark Lord

Thursday, October 10, 1991

Quidditch match is tomorrow. I wish I could see it. I never thought Potter would die while I was helpless on the back of someone's head. I have a plan... but seeing as Quirinus and I both already know it, there's no point in writing it down.

Love from,

the Dark Lord

Friday, October 11, 1991

Quidditch match was moved to tomorrow because Madam Hooch realized it was on a Friday. Stupid bitch.

Love from,

the Dark Lord

Saturday, October 12, 1991

Maybe this would have been interesting if I actually saw what was going on. I cheered with the crowd until someone behind us asked Quirinus why his turban was cheering. I think he's being a bit too obvious.

And worst of all, POTTER DIDN'T DIE! That's the second time I failed to kill him! I would throw a fit and kill people but I'm on the back of Quirinus' head, so I just made him go into the forest and screamed a lot. A lot. I hope no one heard me.

Lots of love from,

the Dark Lord

P. S. Quirinus said that Severus was trying to save Potter. How stupid is that?

Sunday, October 13, 1991

New plan to kill Potter: kill him during class tomorrow.

**Are you sure that will work?**

Yes, you idiot, it will.

Love from,

the Dark Lord

Wednesday, October 16, 1991

Stupid fool! Why couldn't he have killed Potter during class yesterday?

Lots of love from,

the Dark Lord

Thursday, October 17, 1991

Halloween is in a few days!

Love from,

the Dark Lord

Friday, October 18, 1991

I wish I could dress up.

**And what would you be?**

None of your business!

Love from,

the Dark Lord

Wednesday, October 23, 1991

Quirinus, I'm not feeling so cheerful at the moment.

**Surprise.**

You've still been putting 'love from' before my name. You also tend to write down what we say while I'm dictating to you. How many times have I told you NOT to do those things!?

**Once?**

A MILLION TIMES!

**Really? I only counted once.**

You're doing it again!

**How do you know?**

Because I've barely dictated anything to you and you've been writing this whole time!

**I just write down what you say, and then I write down what I say so it doesn't seem like you're talking to yourself.**

Just don't write down what I say to you in the first place!

**But then...**

I don't care! I'll show you what a proper entry is tomorrow!

**Go ahead.**

Just sign the effing thing for me.

Lots of love from,

Voldie

TISS IZ U PORPR ENTREE QEREENUS! ! ! ande mii nam iz knut vodly

THE DORK LARD

Friday, October 25, 1991

See what a good entry is like now?

**No, I don't.**

Don't tell me...

**Yes, I'm writing down what we're saying again.**

WHY DO YOU ALWAYS DO THAT!?

**I don't know.**

THEN STOP!

**Fine. Dictate what you want me to write, O mighty lord and master.**

That's better.

**I was being sarcastic.**

Just write!

Ok, so anyways, Quirinus is being very annoying.**(hey!)** Very, very annoying. I had a perfect plan going and he had to mess it up. Then I made another brilliant plan, and he didn't have the guts to carry it out. And he also won't write in my diary the way I want him to! Life just isn't fair! I wish I was on the back of Bellatrix's head.

**How kind of you.**

Shut up, Quirinus.

**Okay, I didn't mean that, I love Quirius and I don't look forward to the day we have to separate. He is so...**

STOP!

**How did you know?**

Because you're saying the words aloud as you write them! You're so stupid!

Love from,

the Dark Lord

Saturday, October 26, 1991

I DON'T LOVE ANYONE! STOP PUTTING 'LOVE FROM THE DARK LORD'! JUST PUT 'THE DARK LORD'!

Lots of love from,

the Dark Lord

Sunday, October 27, 1991

Don't put 'lots of love' either!

Abundant love from,

the Dark Lord

Wednesday, October 30, 1991

I've got a new idea to kill Potter! I actually thought of it while thinking of ways to destroy Quirrell after I've got my own body. He has to be punished for ruining my diary.

Anyway, Quirrell is going to bring in a troll on Halloween tomorrow. Then while everyone is distracted by the troll, he's going to go and steal the Sorcerer's Stone with me. I've figured out how to get past almost everything now. Quirrell was there when they put up the defenses, so he knows what most of them are. McGonagall's got a giant chess set, Flitwick has some keys and a broom, Severus had a whole bunch of potions, Sprout's got some kind of plant, then there's this room where Vector, Trelawny and Burbage put their stuff, and Quirrell's got a giant troll. No trouble. We'll take an antidote to whatever Severus has, and a chess book, and Quirrell should know how to handle the plants and keys. I think we can skip the crystals balls and Arithmancy stuff, and the troll will be no trouble. Quirrell can do all sorts of things with trolls, I think he might be related to them. Barnabas the Barmy is his great-uncle, there's a tapestry of him trying to teach trolls to do ballet at Hogwarts. Quirrell once admitted to me that this is his lifetime's ambition.

Abundant love from,

the Dark Lord

Thursday, October 31, 1991

It didn't work! Damn! It wasn't Quirrell's fault this time, though. We were just getting into the forbidden corridor when Severus came running up to us. There was also this big three-headed dog. It was about to rip me off Quirrell, but then Severus came, and it got his leg instead. Potter and his friends defeated the troll, too!

the Dark Lord

Friday, November 1, 1991

I'm still really upset we didn't get the Stone. I'm not sure when another chance will come, because I don't want to spend my birthday in the forbidden corridor, and most of the students aren't staying for Christmas anyway. So there are no big holidays coming up any time soon.

the Dark Lord

Monday, November 4, 1991

After a long talk, I've agreed to call Quirinus by his first name again. He kind of threatened to start calling me Riddle, which is just unacceptable. After that we played Candy Land and Monopoly and Scrabble. I won six times out of fourteen (that's good, right?).

the Dark Lord

Wednesday, November 6, 1991

Today we read a book called Charlie Bone and graffitied all over it. We didn't finish yet, we're only on the second chapter. I wonder who the bad guy is going to be, because it can't just be Charlie. Being supremely annoying doesn't make a very strong bad guy. If it did, Potter would definitely be the supervillain, not me.

the Dark Lord

**P. S. I agree with you, my Lord**

Sunday, November 9, 1991

We read more of Charlie Bone today. I'm glad to see he's gotten a less annoying. Hm, I want to write a book.

the Dark Lord

Thursday, November 13, 1991

Quirinus and I wrote a fairy tale over the last few days!

Sweet Little Fairy Tale

Once there were two friends named Quack and Voldie. Quack was a chicken and Voldie was a goose **(but then, how are we supposed to swim? **I'm just going to drag you in the water). But one day, this asshole named Hairy Potty came and made Voldie into a ghost. Quack invited Voldie to stay on the back of his head, so Voldie did. Quack had to start sleeping on his side so he didn't squish Voldie **(but chickens don't sleep on their backs.** I don't care!). Voldie had a very flat beak and red eyes.

That's all we've got so far. I came up with Hairy Potty and the Magician's Rock. And the part were Voldie is on the back of Quack's head. I wonder how that feels?

the Dark Lord

Friday, November 14, 1991

I'm still not sure how to finish the fairy tale.

the Dark Lord

Saturday, November 15, 1991

Today Minerva was helping Quirinus clean out his office and she found my diary! She was about to look through it when he said it was his diary! That was a close call. I'm not sure if she believed him though, 'cause it says 'The Dark Lord's Diary' on the cover.

the Dark Lord

Sunday, November 16, 1991

We finished the fairy tale!

They went to the pond to find the Magician's Rock which would make Voldie become a goose again. At first Hairy Potty kept getting in the way, but a rabid dog came and ate him and made sure he died a slow and painful death. It did the same to Dumb-Door the stupid phoenix.

Then Quack and Voldie found the Magician's Rock and Voldie drank the Smoothie of Life and turned back into a goose! They danced around the pond and then they called all of Voldie's friends: the rabid dog Fenrir, the family of swans the Malfoys, the rat Petie, and the rest of his friends were hedgehogs. But some of his friends were at a farm and they were going to get eaten **(But I thought they were a jaguar and a fox and a beetle...)** (I don't care, they were still going to get eaten). So Voldie and his friends went to the farm and Fenrir the rabid dog ate the farmer and his wife and Voldie went and saved the rest of his friends: Bella the jaguar, the bugs Rodolphus and Rabastan, and the rest of them were foxes. They also accidentally released Serious who was a dog, so Fenrir had to eat him. Then Voldie turned into a snake because that was his true form. Voldie ate Rodolphus and Rabastan because they were being unloyal, and then Bella was upset so Voldie went off and married her **(WHAT!?)**. Quack tried to teach some trolls to do ballet at their wedding but then Fenrir got annoyed so he ate Quack. The end** (he ATE me!?)**.

Voldie married Bella because at the end of the story the hero usually gets married, and she's the only girl in the story. Quirinus sent it to whoever published Charlie Bone. I want that book back. Minerva took it when she was helping Quirinus clean his office.

the Dark Lord.

Saturday, November 22, 1991

NO! The publisher said our fairy tale sucked! I mean, how could they!? It was loads better than any book I've ever read!

the Dark Lord

Sunday, November 23, 1991

We sent the publisher a letter bomb today. I hope it kills him.

the Dark Lord

Monday, November 24, 1991

Today Quirinus made all his students write fairy tales for homework. I'm going to see what they are next week.

the Dark Lord

Tuesday, November 25, 1991

Maybe after I rule the world I'll start writing fairy tales.

the Dark Lord

Wednesday, November 26, 1991

Someone turned their homework in early!

** F-**

The Hair and the Turtos 

Once there was a hair who sed he was the fastest aminal alive but none of the other aminals liked him and 1 day the turtos chalengd him too a race at 1st the hair was veree fast he butt then he saw caruts and he 8 1 then he took a nap butt the turtos didnt stop so he 1! the end

That's not even a fairy tale! That's a fable! I hope they're not all like this!

the Dark Lord

Monday, December 1, 1991

All these fables suck! Seriously! I'll be surprised if anyone manages to get a D.

the Dark Lord

Tuesday, December 2, 1991

I just realized, my birthday is this month! I hope Quirinus remembers!

**I will, you just made me write it down. Now what day is it?**

The 31st, but I was born in the middle of the night, so I think it's really January 1st.

**You were born on New Year?**

Yeah, it's cool, isn't it? I'll turn 64.

**You're already sixty-three?**

How old are you?

**Twenty-four.**

Jeez, you're young! I'm twice as old as you! When's your birthday, anyway?

**March 3rd.**

Okay, remind-

_(A few minutes later)_

WHY DOES MCGONAGALL ALWAYS HAVE TO COME IN WHILE WE'RE TRYING TO HAVE A CONVERSATION!?

**That was Professor Sprout, actually.**

Big deal! She almost saw me! And you stuffed my face in a pillow!

**I jumped on the bed to hide you!**

Couldn't you have just put on a hat?

**There wasn't time!**

Whatever.

the Dark Lord

Wednesday, December 3, 1991

Quirinus has started bringing a happy-face hat around with him.

the Dark Lord

Thursday, December 11, 1991

Quirinus got up and started walking around in his sleep last night. I woke up because he banged my nose on the bed, but I didn't wake him up. He got lost, and he took me to this corridor with a mirror. It was creepy. When I looked into it, I saw myself, immortal, ruling the world. I just looked into it for a second, though, because Quirinus started walking away.

the Dark Lord

**P. S. Did I really sleep walk all the way to the Mirror of Erised?**

So that's what it's called! Why couldn't you have told me before?

**You never asked.**

Oh, whatever.

Friday, December 12, 1991

I had this really weird and delightful dream, but I won't say what it is because I don't want Quirinus to know.

the Dark Lord

Saturday, December 13, 1991

Most of the kids went home for Christmas vacation! Now we're alone... well, more alone than we were before. Quirinus and I spent the morning making up evil lyrics to the tune of Christmas carols. It was fun. I wanted to sing them during breakfast, but then Severus or Minerva might ask Quirinus why his turban was singing.

the Dark Lord

Sunday, December 14, 1991

Quirinus left out some of our songs that weren't about being on the back of someone's head or stealing the Sorcerer's Stone out for Peeves, so now he's flying all around the caste singing them. I wish I could join him.

the Dark Lord

Thursday, December 25, 1991

Christmas! I was a little disappointed that I barely got any presents. Just a book How to Rule the World from Quirinus and a note from the Ministry that said Bellatrix wanted to get me some torture devices.

The Christmas dinner was really good, especially since I haven't eaten all year. I don't need to, but I wanted to taste it, so I made Quirinus take some food back to his office and feed it to me.

the Dark Lord

P. S. Quirinus got a whole bunch of stuff. It isn't fair.

Saturday, December 27, 1991

All the students are back now. Dammit.

the Dark Lord

Sunday, December 28, 1991

I thought of another story but we haven't written it down yet. It's about killing people because they didn't get you anything for Christmas. That's how I feel about Quirinus at the moment.

the Dark Lord

Tuesday, December 30, 1991

I hope Quirinus remembers my birthday!

the Dark Lord

Wednesday, December 31, 1991

This is the best birthday ever! Well, actually, it's the only birthday anyone's remembered since I was ten. At 11:00 Quirinus went out into the Forbidden Forest and sang me 'Happy Birthday'. He also got me a cupcake (which he wound up eating, but it's the thought that counts) and a birthday present! It's a locket with a snake on the front! Of course, neither of us can wear necklaces right now, because we both have throats on either side of our neck. but I'll wear it every day as soon as I have a body.

About halfway through the celebration, an owl came from Dumbledore with a birthday card and some Lemon Drops. I can't eat them, but I'll send a thank-you letter to him anyway.

Love from,

the Dark Lord

deEre dUmUlldarE tANk Yoo

I hope he appreciates it, because I don't want to write any more.

Thursday, January 1, 1992

The school had a New Year celebration. I imagined they were really celebrating my birthday.

the Dark Lord

Friday, January 2, 1992

Quirinus has started keeping a diary, too. Now he can record our conversations in HIS diary, not mine.

the Dark Lord

Saturday, January 3, 1992

Some kid bewitched a snowball to hit me in the face again and again and again. Quirinus said it was the Weasley twins. I don't know who they are, but I told him to put them in detention every day for two weeks. My nose will never be the same again!

the Dark Lord

Sunday, January 4, 1992

I'm bored. I want to kill people. I haven't made an evil plan in a long time.

the Dark Lord

Friday, January 9, 1992

There's going to be a Quidditch match in a few days. Severus is going to referee. I hope he kills Potter. I hope he doesn't try to stop me from killing Potter.

the Dark Lord

Saturday, January 17, 1992

Dammit! Dumbledore was there, so Quirinus didn't think it was safe to try to kill Potter a second time. So after the match, Quirinus and I went into the forest where we could scream and throw a fit (I did most of the screaming). Then Severus came to see what all the noise was about. Quirinus just had time to put on his happy face hat. Severus was being really annoying, too. He kept asking why Quirinus wasn't wearing his turban.

the Dark Lord

P. S. I still don't know how to get past the three-headed dog.

Monday, January 19, 1992

I just had a stroke of brilliance. I can meet Hagrid in a bar (preferably the Hog's Head) and offer him a dragon egg. Quirinus told me he really wants one. Then I can persuade him to tell me how to get past that monstrous dog. I just need to get a dragon egg...

the Dark Lord

Thursday, January 22, 1992

After lots of planning, I've ordered a dragon egg from Google! It's this thing Muggles use when they want something. It cost 100 Galleons, though. Good thing Quirinus is paying for it.

**I am?**

the Dark Lord

Sunday, January 25, 1992

Oooh! Google sent me a letter!

_Dear Voldemort,_

_Please pay with real money. We do not have time to deal with plastic pirate coins._

_Yours sincerely,_

_Google_

I didn't know Google was a real person! I thought it was just a company. They also sent back all the money I paid them.

**Maybe they want Muggle money.**

Couldn't you have told me that before!?

the Dark Lord

Monday, January 26, 1992

After school, Quirinus exchanged a few Galleons for Muggle money at the bank. We sent the Muggles their money. I want my dragon egg soon.

the Dark Lord

Thursday, January 30, 1992

I don't believe it! My dragon egg came, and it's made of plastic! There's a stuffed toy dragon inside! Ah well, there isn't time to get a real dragon egg, so I just made Quirinus put a couple of spells on the fake dragon to make it seem real. I'll give it to Hagrid tomorrow.

the Dark Lord

Friday, January 31, 1992

Quirinus had the students practice on the toy dragon during class, and someone made it explode! Damn! Now I can't give the egg to Hagrid if there's nothing in it!

the Dark Lord

Monday, February 3, 1992

I couldn't think of a way to get a real dragon egg, so I just had Quirinus give Hagrid a chicken egg. I'm not sure if Hagrid believed Quirinus when he said the egg was premature.

But I know how to get past Fluffy now! You just have to play music for him! Quirinus got a harp for Christmas, we can use that.

the Dark Lord

Wednesday, February 5, 1992

I feel bad for Hagrid. I mean, he's always wanted a dragon, and now I've given him a fake egg. He's going to be so disappointed when he sees it's not a real egg.

the Dark Lord

Thursday, February 6, 1992

Quirinus and I went to the Hog's Head again and we met this guy who had a real dragon egg. He was saying that anyone who could beat him at poker could keep it. I don't know how to play poker, so Quirinus threw a beer bottle at his head and knocked him out. Then we stole the dragon egg and put another chicken egg there instead. Then, at night, we swithced the chicken egg in Hagrid's hut with the real dragon egg.

the Dark Lord

Sunday, February 9, 1992

The Weasley twins keep complaining that there was this bloke who gave them a chicken egg instead of a dragon egg.

the Dark Lord

Friday, February 21, 1992

I think the dragon hatched. Hagrid's hut is on fire and Dumbledore had to help put it out. I'm starting to regret giving him that dragon egg.

the Dark Lord

Friday, February 28, 1992

Potter and his friends got rid of the dragon. I would reward him with cookies if he wasn't my sworn enemy. Instead I made Quirinus give Draco Malfoy cookies, because I think he helped. I wanted to ask him why Lucius didn't get me a birthday present, but he might have thought I was greedy.

the Dark Lord

Monday, March 3, 1992

I sang Quirinus 'Happy Birthday' and gave him a present today. It was supposed to be a surprise, but I made him go and buy it **(with my own gold!)**, so I think he was expecting it. I got him a tutu for when he teaches trolls the ballet.

**Oh, so that's what it's for. I thought you were just trying to be insulting.**

Why would I do that?

the Dark Lord

Wednesday, March 5, 1992

I caught a really bad sickness that's been going around the school that keeps making me puke. Unfortunately, Quirinus has the same disease, so he has to eat twice as much food. Also, one day we both vomited at the same time. Quirinus leaned forward, obviously, he wasn't aware that I was throwing up too, so I got vomit all over my face. And every time I vomit, Quirinus doesn't lean over quick enough** (sorry!)**. I hate this sickness!

the Dark Lord

Friday, March 7, 1992

This sickness is too much. Or it was. I was already weak, and all that nearly killed me. I would have fallen off of Quirinus's head and died (well, not died, you know what I mean...). So I made him drink some unicorn blood for me. He drank a little on Wednesday, and now he drank a lot more. Annoyingly, Potter had his detention in the Forbidden Forest looking for the unicorn. He found me, too, him and Draco and Hagrid's other dog. I think it's called Fuzzy. You know, Fuzzy and Fluffy. Only this one was normal-sized, and it didn't have three heads. Then this centaur came and chased Quirinus away.

the Dark Lord

P. S. Now Quirinus got cursed after he drank the unicorn blood and not me.

Friday, March 14, 1992

Okay, that was the wrong thing to say. Now Quirinus is all mad at me just because I've cursed his life forever. He says I should have told him before. I forgot! Jeez, he's got a bad temper! Now he's doing everything for me out of fear. He won't ever play Candy Land with me or read Charlie Bone anymore. I mean, come on, I just forgot one little thing! One tiny little detail!

the Dark Lord

Friday, March 28, 1992

I need the Sorcerer's Stone. Quirinus is still all mad at me, but he's also scared of me. We're going to get the Stone tonight.

**As you know, he kind of fails and has to go back to Albania. This will be explained in the next chapter. Please review! Also, please tell me if you can't read Voldemort's spelling, because I was planning to do it like that from now on, so I need to know if it's readable.**


End file.
